Mommy Burnout: Supermom Complex

Supermom complex

We have an epidemic of supermom complex in our society. You may have never heard of it, but it can be a severe disorder that negatively impacts physical and mental health, as well as relationships. Supermom complex is when mom feels the need to be excellent at… everything. Parenting. Cleaning. Work. You name it and it must be perfect.

Isn’t perfection a good thing?

I’m not going to lie, it would be amazing to be perfect (I’m sure my wife wishes I were a little closer to perfect as well). That being said, my life became significantly easier when I realized just how unlikely I was to achieve perfection. And by that, I mean it is impossible. Perfection becomes a huge problem when it comes at the expense of our families and our own self-care.

• Tradeoffs – Life is filled with tradeoffs. When you choose to spend your time on one thing, you are not able to spend it on another. Spending your time to ensure perfection at work means less time for family.

• Perfection is subjective – Your definition of perfect is different from my definition (sorry, honey!). Supermoms define perfection at a level that is literally unattainable because it’s either all perfect or it’s wrong.

• Emotional consequences – Not reaching the level of perfection supermoms require often makes them feel like crap about themselves. Our mind starts to tell a lot of negative stories when we don’t live up to our own expectations. I can’t tell you how many supermoms have told me that, before bed, their mind says to them, “I’m not a good mom.”

Thankfully, there are ways to minimize the effects of supermom complex!

Recognize the Problem

The first step in addressing any problem is identifying that a problem even exists (take the mommy burnout quiz!). Do you feel constantly exhausted? Ever fantasize about getting a break from your spouse, kids, and housework? Do you often wonder how other moms do it all? If these questions are hitting a little close to home, I’m sorry to break the news to you, but you might be a victim of supermom complex.

The 80/20 Rule and Supermom

You may or may not have heard of the 80/20 rule. In business, 20% of your efforts will be the ones that return 80% of your profit. It’s key to identify those actions that fall into the 20% that achieve the highest return on investment to run an efficient business. This rule is also part of the reason why perfectionists struggle so much. The first 80% to complete a task will only take around 20% of the time and effort. However, as a task goes above the 80% perfection mark, it requires significantly more time and attention to complete. The final 20% as you approach perfect completion will take 80% of the total time and effort for the task! So, supermom, is a 20% improvement worth spending 4x as much time and effort? It can be helpful to remember the refrain, “perfect is the enemy of good.” This especially rings true when it comes at the expense of our own self-care or quality time with our families!

Use the 80/20 Rule to Your Advantage

While it’s a difficult adjustment for supermoms to make, the 80/20 rule can be used to make our jobs as parents a little easier in two ways. First, identify the 20% of tasks that will give you 80% of results with your family or your own self-care. Maybe making time to chauffeur to dance class or soccer games gives you quality time together in the car. Perhaps getting your morning exercise provides a bigger payoff than making the perfect breakfast spread for the family. Only you will know which activities will have the best return on investment.The second way to apply the 80/20 rule is giving yourself permission to slouch 20% of the time. Maybe you read books to your child five nights a week, but two nights you allow them to watch a movie. If it’s important to have fresh, organic food, do that 80% of the time while allowing a 20% break for pizza and soda.

Allowing yourself permission for imperfection in some areas helps prevent you from failing in the most important areas.

If you’re a supermom, then I know you’ve read this far because you could never let an article go only partially read (ha!). These are only a few of the ways you can start treating supermom complex, but some of the most important as well. I hope you’ll take a few moments to consider and prioritize the numerous tasks in your life. It only takes a few minutes to make small changes that focus your time and effort on those activities that provide you and your family the greatest satisfaction. And if you want a little extra help, please reach out and schedule a consultation. I'd love to chat with you about the ways we can work together and begin bringing a little peace to a chaotic world. 

Are Kids Like an Ancient Torture Device?

Are Kids Like an Ancient Torture Device?

The answer is yes. Or no. Or... it depends on the day?Okay, so this one might get me into big trouble. Let me start out by saying that kids are awesome and I love my two little munchkins more than anything.Now that that’s out of the way… are kids like Chinese water torture?If that question horrified you, I apologize. It’s just a comparison that popped into my head one morning as my un-caffeinated brain was trying to keep our girls occupied when they had woken up way before the sun.Most of us are mature enough to admit that we can love our children very much despite them being overwhelming, and stressful, and worry-inducing at times.There are moments they absolutely melt your heart, and then there are the times you wonder why anybody would ever willingly have more children. Sometimes those moments are literally 10 seconds apart.

What is Chinese Water Torture?

Chinese water torture is an ancient torture method where you are restrained so you can’t move and then you’re placed below a device that slowly drips water onto you.Doesn’t sound so bad, right?On a hot day, this might even sound pleasant! Who wouldn’t want cool, refreshing water during the heat and humidity we experience from May to October?And in this torture, a few drips aren’t a problem. They don’t hurt. It’s not like it’s drowning you. Nobody is poking you with anything.You. Just. Can’t. Move.After some time passes, you begin to have some discomfort. Maybe a drip caused an itch. Well, you can’t move to satisfy the itch so your mind just focuses on it.After enough time passes, you realize that you have no control over your environment.Eventually, it gets to the point where you go mad because you just want the water to stop dripping on you. It will never stop until the higher powers decide to stop it.Your lack of ability to control your surroundings can actually  make you go crazy.

How does this apply to our kids?

During my brilliant, or crazy, morning epiphany, I arrived at this comparison because I didn’t find any single aspect of parenting to be rocket science. Yet the entire thing could be maddening.We have two girls under the age of four. Our oldest is only now starting to get into the “why?” phase, so I still haven’t even had to try and explain the meaning of the universe.I don’t need to run into burning buildings to save people. I don’t need to solve impossible mathematical equations.Overall, it’s not that hard to meet their needs… right?I mean I just plop some food down in front of them during the appropriate times. Ensure they’re drinking enough. Make sure all potty aspects are addressed. And watch them closely enough that they don’t do something to seriously harm themselves or burn the house down. It sure sounds easy enough… of course, the devil is in the details!Having one drip of water going down your face isn’t a big deal, but the inability to control your environment literally makes you go crazy after enough time passes.

My big realization was that while no one aspect of raising kids requires a college degree, you, the parent, have lost most of the control you once had over your life.

I was feeling such frustration that morning that I didn’t know how to explain. The kids weren’t doing anything defiant. They were actually playing pretty nicely together, so why did I feel so agitated?My ability to control my day was gone. I could not sleep in if I wanted because these kids needed me to watch them. I couldn’t watch an episode of Parks and Rec or read a book.It finally dawned on me that once you have kids, all those little things the kids require quickly add up to something that can be pretty overwhelming. You have a new boss who has taken control.And if we as parents don’t do something, we too can go mad just like the person subject to Chinese water torture.

How do we Avoid Going Crazy as Parents?

Here are 3 things you can do to avoid going crazy from lack of control.

1. Schedule self-care activities It’s important that we don’t let our kids completely define our identity. You were a person with interests and hobbies before kids, and it’s crucial that you find some way to stay connected with the previous you. Even as a single parent, there are creative ways to find some time for yourself.

2. Remember your values While I discussed the overwhelming nature of having so little control even though what you’re doing on a daily basis isn’t “difficult,” that perception of overwhelm can be reduced by stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. I bet you have designs on your children growing into well-rounded, productive adults someday? Knowing those factors is identifying your values. I know for me it’s maddening to feel stuck communicating at a 3-year-old level all day, but remembering that every little bit of teaching and modeling of good behavior is helping Mary develop into that future adult helps me stay grounded.

3. Find little winsTo help yourself believe those little things are working towards the long-term goal, it’s helpful to look for small wins along the way. If your kid didn’t hit her sibling in frustration when she would have one week ago, give yourself a pat on the back. If your son remembered to flush after using the bathroom, give yourself (and him) a big high five. Recognizing those periodic victories is helpful to prevent you from feeling burnout like the movie Groundhog Day. There is always progress, it may just be slower than you would like.

So, to wrap up, I’d appreciate if you didn’t tell all your friends that this weird psychologist guy said that kids are terrorists who torture us. But maybe you can share this blog post with them, so they can get some context to go along with the click bait title 😊If you’ve been struggling and feeling like the kids are running the show, please reach out for a free strategy call. I would love to hear about your struggles, and help you see that there is hope. I have a few spots available in my Palm Harbor therapy office, so please give me a call at 727-498-1809, or click the link below to schedule.

Why I Help Moms

When I tell people that I specialize in therapy for moms, I’ve occasionally been asked why. I think the fact that I’m a guy makes it seem a little strange.It’s true. I can’t hide the fact that I’m a dude. A father. Distinctly NOT a mother.I mean, I have a mother, and my wife is a mother. But that’s not really the reason why I focus on helping overwhelmed moms overcome stress, anxiety, or depression.Of course I’ve always had tremendous respect for mothers.You are expected to do the job of 7 people while keeping a smile on your face and looking pretty to boot.It’s impossible.My respect grew even more during my experience while training to be a psychologist.

PAST EXPERIENCES WITH PATIENTS

There was a group of patients that I would leave session feeling like I learned at least as much as they did, if not more.That their strength in the face of adversity should be a beacon of hope for anybody going through a challenging time.This group always made the difficult work feel worthwhile.There were tears, and every single one was worth it. We had laughs, and every single one was earned.There was progress and setbacks, and every step of the way made me feel proud to be working with these patients.When I decided to open my own practice and was thinking about where to focus, it was pretty easy to figure out the commonality in those patients that I most enjoyed working with.They were mothers.

THE CHALLENGE OF MOTHERHOOD

Moms feel pain, but often can’t express it because it’s their job to keep the family happy.They feel overwhelmed, but they need to keep the trains running on schedule.Mothers worry about their husband and their children, but they do their best to be encouraging to ensure everyone else thinks positively.It’s unfair for moms to shoulder this burden alone.I hear about spouses that try to provide solutions instead of validation. Spouses who don’t recognize that anything is wrong because moms can be amazing actresses.So many mothers cannot find a safe place to get the support they need to continue doing that job well.That’s where I come in.It’s my mission to provide a safe, comfortable place where moms can receive validation and guidance on how to overcome the stress, anxiety, worry, or depression that is sapping their joy.You deserve to feel joy.

You deserve to enjoy being a mom, a wife, a woman.

HOW I CAN HELP

The first issue when working with any patient is learning that there is hope. After things have been going wrong for so long, it’s often hard to imagine that things could ever be better.While struggles are common, the fact is that many mothers are able to find their own way to balance family, work, social life, relationship, etc.You can too!It’s a matter of working together to figure out exactly what it would look like in your case, and it’s my job to help you see pretty early on that A) it can happen and B) understand the roadmap we can take to get there.Once you see that a better life is possible, then we can get into the nuts and bolts of turning things around. It’s hard to give a step by step of what this looks like because it’s different for every patient… because every patient is unique and has different life experiences.In general, we’ll work together to help you identify the things in life that are important to you (your values). We’ll see where things are going well and where you’re not quite meeting your own expectations.We’ll help you to develop coping skills (e.g., deep breathing, relaxation, dealing with negative thoughts, etc.) to make the times you feel overwhelmed a little bit easier to tolerate.We will work to create new relationships with difficult thoughts, so you can focus on the things you enjoy rather than always being distracted. This typically has the added benefit of improving self-esteem since those voices so often make us feel bad about ourselves.We will identify where fear is shrinking your life, and help you build the confidence to grow your comfort zone.Throughout, we will brainstorm and problem solve to overcome any obstacles that are getting in the way of progress.I cannot promise successful treatment, but I can promise that I’ll be alongside you every step of the way, working at least as hard as you.

You deserve to feel joy.

To feel peace.

To enjoy your family.

If you’ve been struggling for too long and are ready to see how things can be different. Consider scheduling a free consultation. I’d love to chat with you about how working together could help. And if we’re not a good fit, I’ll provide references to someone who is better able to help.I have a few openings for new patients in my Palm Harbor counseling office, so if you’re ready to start the path towards enjoying life again, reach out today.

Why is Parenting So Hard?

There is no denying it. Parenting. Is. Hard.My wife and I have split working and caregiving duties at various times, so we both gained a healthy respect for the challenges and blessings of both sides.Working is difficult because you miss the kids, but you often get socialization and adult conversations throughout the day.Staying home is rewarding for the closeness that develops between parent and child, but there is very little rest and you start to wonder whether your conversational ability is going to be stuck at a 3 year old level forever.It’s so difficult to get that perfect balance of family, work, social, and personal life that lead to feeling fulfilled and happy.But people have been raising kids successfully for thousands of years, why is it so hard for me?

Social comparisons

I’m not saying parenting was easier for earlier generations, but they had different challenges than we have today.For one, our parents and grandparents weren’t able to compare their parenting experience with as many other people.There was no Facebook, or Instagram to make them wonder why everybody else is going to Disney World while they backyard camped to save money.With social media you begin to compare your daily life with everybody else’s highlight reel!I’m guessing you don’t post every struggle with your child, but focus on posting the fun, happy, extreme events that will make others jealous.Yeah? So remember that when you see a former high school classmate posting her amazing Pinterest creation while your ladybug cake looks more like a deformed cockroach.You don’t post your failures, and neither do your friends.This is an area where a good parenting group can be so helpful.I say “good” because it needs to be a safe place where people share their failures and help each other to recognize that we all struggle, and well have failures, and we all have some really cute moments as well.A group where everybody puts on their happy face and denies any challenges and talks about how their kids are all perfect little angels… GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE, IMMEDIATELY! That is The Stepford Wives and not real life!Churches, Meetup.com, PTAs, and the YMCA are some resources to look into for finding a good parenting group near you.

Keeping to yourself

This goes hand in hand with my recommendation for finding a parenting group.There are times when I’m watching the girls that I feel like a complete failure.I wonder why there wasn’t a test required before becoming a parent… and then I’m thankful there wasn’t because I might have failed!It’s impossible to be good at everything, which means we’re all going to screw up eventually.We’re going to have days we don’t want to get out of bed, or that we snap at our kids for no apparent reason.When we keep these feelings to ourselves, we can continue to live in a world where outwardly we are perfect and content, while inwardly we are fighting to stay afloat.We end up stuck on a lonely island where we can never get validation from others that these feelings are normal.Having someone you can open up to and share your thoughts with, who won’t just try to solve your problems or dismiss your concerns, is crucial. It can be your mother, your best friend, a therapist, or even a stranger on the internet (e.g., www.reddit.com/r/parenting, www.reddit.com/anxiety ).Opening up and sharing the burden lightens the load on our shoulders and helps us to feel normal again.I assure you, if you’re thinking or feeling something, there is a 99% likelihood someone else has felt the same way.It doesn’t seem like much, but just hearing “I’ve been there” can lift a huge weight off your shoulders.Even when it seems like there is no solution to your challenges, think about finding someone to share with.

What do we do about our parenting struggles?

There is no one size fits all solution to the challenges of raising a successful, happy family.Nor can we wave a magic wand and make your stress, worry, or anxiety disappear overnight.I wish I could, truly I do. There are small changes you can make today to start moving in the direction of feeling joy again though!

• Cut back on social media - Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. can all be great resources for keeping in touch with old friends, or finding activities and recipes. They can also suck the life right out of you if you’re not careful! Figure out how much time you really want to spend on these sites, and think about blocking any people who are adding negativity to your life.

• Adjust your expectations - Remember that while people aren’t posting their failures on your social media feeds, they are screwing up just as often as you. Let yourself be okay with screwing up now and then. The problem isn’t usually with the mistake, it’s how the mistake grabs onto your focus and leads to stress, worry, anxiety, and depression.

• Use a gratitude journal - Writing down 3 things you are thankful for each day helps you to remember that the day wasn’t all bad. Find very specific things you have to be grateful for and it lessens the impact of those mistakes you’ve made. Over time, this can make it easier for you to recognize the good things as you go about your day!

• Identify and use your support system - I can’t emphasize the importance of this enough. Make a list of the people in your life and start reconnecting with those who you miss, or that you would like to spend more time with. If you don’t feel your list of family, friends, or acquaintances will care about your struggles, a) you don’t know unless you’ve tried already, and b) it’s okay to find new sources of support. Use the resources I mentioned earlier to get connected with other parents to hear their struggles and you can share yours once you feel comfortable.

If you feel like you've tried these suggestions and more and it still wasn't enough, please consider reaching out for a free strategy call. We can discuss your specific situation, and help make a plan for getting you to your goals. I currently have a few slots available for new clients if we click and choose to go that route. As always, I'd love to hear from you, so please reach out if you have any questions to kevin@hydepsychology.com or 727-498-1809.

5 Tips to Improve Your Child's Behavior

We love our kids, but that doesn’t mean we always like them.Children are programmed to test boundaries, which means breaking rules that we know they already understand.As soon as it seems like things are going smoothly, one child or another enters a phase of defiance.It can be so frustrating to continually be trying out different systems of discipline and feeling like they are ineffective.It’s overwhelming to check out Amazon.com’s parenting section (there were over 200,000 results for “parenting books”).Which book actually works? How do you know who to trust? What if I waste my time and money reading and it doesn’t work with my kids?Friend A says to try this method, but Friend B says that didn’t work for them. There are a million things that race through your head when trying to decide what to do next. It can be overwhelming for any mom hoping to do what's best for their child.I understand the frustration because we all know that every child is different, so you may even need several styles of discipline in your own home! While there are many methods out there, it seems there are several universals when it comes to discipline, which I will share here.Here are my top five tips for effective discipline.

Understanding why the outburst happened

Before doing or saying anything, try to understand why your child is misbehaving. The most common reasons are due to hunger, anger, loneliness (wanting attention), and being tired.So run through a quick checklist to see which of those might apply to this situation, and respond accordingly.The second part of understanding is to use that knowledge to reduce your own anger/frustration at the situation.I’m guessing your work performance doesn’t improve much when your boss yells at you, and the same goes for children.By understanding that their problematic behaviors stem from an underlying cause, and are not just for the purpose of making you angry, it can be easier to cut them some slack and respond more calmly.Now I’m not saying they don’t incur any consequences for their behaviors, but rather that yelling is the least effective way of communicating your point.

Effective Communication

As with adult relationships, communication is an important part of healthy relationships with our children.One of the major reasons for misbehavior is poor communication of expectations by a parent.Think of the last time you were engrossed in a book or a TV show that you loved, and your partner asked you to do something. I’m guessing you either didn’t fully get what they were asking because your attention was divided, or at the very least you did not want to stop doing what you enjoyed to do that task instead.I can’t even tell you the number of times I’ve seen this situation play out with kids and lead to massive, house-disrupting arguments!If your child is playing a video game, he or she is not listening to you… even if they say “okay, I got it.”Yelling to your child in another room to do a chore is a recipe for having that chore go uncompleted.Of course you’re busy making dinner, or doing another important household task and you just want a little help.Kids need to have chores and be part of the household, but there are more effective ways to communicate your needs.

• Eye contact - when asking your child to do something make sure there is eye contact. And not just the 5 second looking away from the screen eye contact. You need to be sure you have their full attention for them to understand what you’re asking.

• Clear expectations - providing directions that allow for broad interpretations mean your child will do as little as possible to meet the “done” criteria. What I mean by this is saying, “pick up your room,” will likely lead to everything on the floor simply being placed on the bed, dresser, desk, in the closet etc. Everything was “picked up,” but that was not what you intended, of course. Be very clear in what your expectation is for a task to be completed, and ensure your child understands.

• Acknowledgement of understanding - Having your child repeat back to you what you asked, rather than just saying okay. They can’t say they didn’t “get it” if they are able to explain what your expectation is. This allows you to clarify if there is a misunderstanding. One way to ensure your expectations are clear and the child understands is to have them written out.

Use Praise Often

It feels good when your boss says nice things to you, right?Even when kids are doing things they “should be doing,” showing appreciation for their efforts can go a long way.So often we only catch our kids when they're causing problems, but it is important to catch them being good, too!It’s easy to criticize when things are only done 90%, so try and instead praise the 90%. For sure 90% is better than 50% or 0%!Also, “You did a good job cleaning, BUT do this next time” is NOT PRAISE. Anything before “but” is ignored and they only hear the criticism.Instead, when you ask them to do the task the next time, specifically include the “do this also.”Praise as much as you can, repeatedly, and you’ll find it much easier to gain compliance in the future.

Consistency in enforcing rules

If our kids break the rules 1,000 times, it’s our job as parents to maintain the rules and discipline 1,001 times.The reason you see people sitting in front of slot machines for hours on end is because they are “intermittently reinforcing.”What that means is sometimes they pay out, sometimes they don’t. You cannot predict it.The big jackpot always MIGHT be on the next pull, so you keep pulling.

We do not want to be slot machines to our kids.

If you sometimes don’t enforce the rules, or give in when they tantrum, then you are the slot machine.They will continue to misbehave and tantrum because the reward MIGHT be there this time.Consistency goes a long way towards reducing bad behaviors because kids learn that there is no benefit.One important thing to mention is that if you’ve been pretty inconsistent in the past and want to change, you can expect your child’s behavior to get worse before it gets better.They will try furiously to test you and push you to give in before they finally relent and recognize you are now consistently enforcing boundaries.Many parents give up during that worsening period, but it is the storm before the calm as long as you don’t give in!!

Rewards for good behavior

The term rewards can be a little bit confusing. Some parents dismiss the idea of rewards at all because kids are just doing what they should be doing anyways.I try to reframe rewards to be like our paycheck. We go to work so we get a paycheck.The paycheck comes to us because we’re doing something we should be doing, but we wouldn’t do it without the paycheck.Kids are more likely to do something they should be doing if they are rewarded for it.Many parents promise extra things to their kids as a reward if they’re good, such as a toy, but that can get expensive.What I prefer is to use things your child already has and enjoys as their reward.For example, many kids love TV or tablets or video games. So we start to implement a system where if the child completes a certain number of their chores, they are allowed X amount of screen time in the evening.If they don’t complete the chores, no screen time. The child is rewarded, or given their “paycheck” for completing the specified tasks.It doesn’t cost any extra money, and you can choose things that you know will be motivating for your kids.Rewarding in this way works MUCH better than always allowing access and taking away the privilege for non-completion, even though they seem to be similar concepts.Hopefully those tips will help to improve your child’s behavior and make discipline a little less painful. They won’t work with every child, of course, so please reach out with any questions you might have to kevin@hydepsychology.com or 727-498-1809. And if you want to schedule a free 30 minute consultation, I would love to chat about your specific situation and how we might work together to improve your child’s compliance.

5 Tips to Better Play

In earlier blogs, I discussed the importance of getting on the floor and playing with your children. It’s not unusual for parents to come into therapy with their children and sheepishly comment on how they are not sure exactly how to play with their kids. And I can’t blame them! It’s not like there’s an instruction manual, or a course in school, and it just doesn’t come naturally to every parent. Here are five tips that I hope will make play time with your kids more enjoyable for both parent and child!

1) Give yourself permission

A) Permission to put other responsibilities on hold

I get it, you’ve got a lot going on. It can be hard to take 15 minutes away from all the other household tasks that need to be done. Do it anyways. Give yourself permission to let the laundry go unfolded, or not respond to the work e-mail right away. I’m sure you’ll agree that  your kids are important, and the way they will feel that is through quality time with you. It’s okay to put everything else out of your mind for 15 minutes and just focus on your kids. I promise the world will not come crashing down in that time.

B) Permission to BE A KID

More than just allowing yourself to focus on your kids, it’s even better if you give yourself permission to be a kid during those 15 minutes! Be silly. Make funny noises. Roll around on the ground being tickled. Have an overly dramatic death sequence while playing cops and robbers. My kids absolutely love it when I’m the tickle monster. I “sleep” until they wake me and then I chase them all around the playroom until I get tired and fall asleep again. There may even be funny voices involved (I think I'm channeling Cookie Monster, though my wife says I sound more like Pennywise the scary clown from IT). Those silly memories will be far more important once they are teenagers than getting the grocery list done.

2) Put your phone away

Not going to say much here. Just do it. Your phone can wait. 

3) Let your kids take charge

All day long kids are told what to do and when to do it. At home. At school. At daycare. "Put your clothes away." "Go potty." "Be nice to your sister." Can you imagine how much you would hate work if your boss just constantly micromanaged your every move? Play time is when we step back as parents and let the kids have some control. They get to pick the game or the toy and how it’s used. If they want daddy to be a princess ballerina, well then daddy will put on his tutu and plie with the best of them. This sounds super easy, but when I’ve observed family play sessions at least 75% of parents give instructions within the first 30 seconds. They are shocked when the facilitators point it out because they don’t even realize it! That just goes to show how natural it is as parents to tell our kids what to do, and how much we need to focus on taking that step back during play time. Of course we’re not going to let them do something dangerous or that is against the rules, but then you just help redirect them to choose an activity that is allowed.

4) Comment without judgment

Some parents tell me they don’t know how to play with their kids. They don’t have a good imagination or didn’t have good role models when they were younger and haven’t learned how to do it. That is okay! Usually, your child will teach you what they want you to do, follow their instructions and prompting. If they’re playing on their own though, just comment on what you see. “You’re throwing the ball up and down,” “Ooh, look how you jump from one place to another,” “The horsey is running fast!” This is called attending behavior, and it’s so useful for helping your child know you’re paying attention. When doing this, try to avoid saying things are good or bad. That’s a way of trying to control what your child is doing, and remember this is their time.

5) Yes, but…

Any parent knows that “no” is a trigger word. Kids hear that word and many times they shut down or they melt down. It’s not fun for the child, and it’s definitely not fun for the parent. And when the kid is melting down it’s easy to give in to their demands just to quiet them down. Of course that just makes them more likely to melt down next time since they get what they want! One way to avoid using that “no” trigger word while still essentially saying no is to use the phrase, “yes, but.” For example, if your child wants to watch TV but you need to go grocery shopping right now you’d say, “Yes you can watch TV, but we need to go to the store first, so when we get home you may watch it.” This may still lead to some opposition, but it is typically far less than if you had said, “no, we need to go grocery shopping.” In the context of allowing them to choose play time activities, this can make it easier to enforce boundaries while still allowing them to feel like they are in charge. Mary is addicted to screen time so I'm often saying, "yes, you can watch videos on the iPad, but first we have to play with your toys." It's not unusual for her to get so distracted with riding her tricycle or running around the backyard that she forgets about the iPad altogether.Hope those tips are helpful as they are just the tip of the iceberg. If you feel that it would be helpful to discuss your specific situation to figure out how to best address your challenges, please schedule a free consultation, or shoot me an e-mail. Happy play time!

Get on the floor! Pt. 2

Part 1  of Get On The Floor can be found right HERE. In brief summary, playing with our kids allows us to build a strong relationship built on trust and respect that can carry through to adolescence when it is invaluable. Additionally, we are building little humans during the early years and it is important to recognize play time as an opportunity to teach many lessons that our children will carry with them. Kids learn through play and we can take advantage of that. There are several other reasons we should get on the floor with our children.

Builds Problem Solving Skills

This goes hand in hand with the learning aspect mentioned above, so I just want to go into it briefly. Kids often get frustrated when they aren’t able to do something easily on their own. Many parents don’t truly recognize this until school begins assigning homework and their kids begin to ask mom and dad to do it for them. This tendency can be reduced by helping our kids learn problem solving skills earlier on. We do this by helping them to figure out how to accomplish challenging tasks on their own, rather than simply doing it for them ourselves. This requires patience on the part of the parent because it is easy to end a tantrum by just doing it for our child. The short-term struggle for the parent will pay off long-term by helping your son or daughter learn the process of problem solving, as well as the importance of hard work. At this moment, we are trying to teach Mary how to put her own clothes on. It is so hard to watch her struggle to get the shirt over her head, and to find the holes for her arms. Every single time I am tempted to jump in and make it easier for her (and me!), and I have to remind myself of the lesson she is learning that her struggles pay off, because she is always able to do it eventually! The smile on her face when she finally succeeds is priceless.

Reduce Behavior Problems

This one gets into my work with children and their parents. Most parents bring their child to see me because of significant behavior problems that no amount of time outs or corporal punishment has seemed to address. If for no other reason, giving your children ample focused play time at an early age has been shown to reduce the development of these types of behavior problems! When kids feel important and valued, they want to keep that status and avoid disappointing their parents. When kids don’t feel important, they are more likely to act out, connect with undesirable peers, and cause many headaches for their parents. Kids enjoy attention, and acting out usually gets their parents’ attention. A hard truth is that negative attention is still attention. It takes as little as 15 minutes of attentive play each day to help build the positive relationships that can avoid these outcomes. My wife and I have both noticed a difference in how Mary treats her sister depending on whether or not we’ve had the chance to play with her. She is more rough when we’ve plopped her in front of the TV too much, or asked her to play by herself for too long. We are quickly learning the signs that we better play horses or build a castle to avoid a tantrum or aggressive behavior towards her sister.And of course the unspoken thing here is that parents can end up struggling with anxiety or depression because of the challenges posed by their children. While you may be feeling overwhelmed with trying to cram another thing into your schedule. While “forced fun” may not seem like what you’d like to be doing with that spare time. I hope these past two posts have shown a few of the numerous reasons it is worthwhile to take time out of your day and to get on the floor with your kids! It’s never too late to start this process, whether your child is 3 or 10, or whether they are acting out or not. Try and schedule yourself that time (and I literally mean put this on your calendar to begin with) starting today! Maybe you’ll come to enjoy that time as well. I have plans for future posts that will go into detail on how to play with your kids, because not all of us had the best role models when going through our own childhood. Believe me, it is something you can learn to do... and your kids will LOVE you for it!Let me know if you have any questions, or are interested in scheduling a free 30 minute consultation.

Get on the floor!

Between all the technological advances over the past 10 years, it has never been easier to keep a kid occupied (side note: I did not say it is easy, just easier!). There are smartphones, and tablets, and Netflix, and Amazon Instant Video, and an infinite number of fancy new toys that are tailored to entertain our children. Can anyone honestly say they haven’t plopped their child down in front of the TV in order to get some adulting done? Didn’t think so. The problem is that we adults have so much on our plates that we feel as if we have to rely on these babysitting tools to just keep our own heads above water. Sadly, our lives have become so busy that it actually seems like a chore to spend quality time with our children! I find myself needing to take a step back every so often to remember just why it is so important that we carve out time to actually sit ON THE FLOOR and play with our two little girls.

Relationship

Probably the most important and yet little discussed aspect of child rearing is simply that time together playing builds a relationship between us and our children. Kids are often either unable or unwilling to just tell us about their day. While your spouse might use words to tell you about the funny thing that happened at work, our kids use play to express what’s going on in their lives. If you really pay attention, you’ll be amazed at what you learn from being actively involved in your kids’ play session. And while they won’t tell you, “daddy, thank you for playing with me,” trust me when I say they notice and appreciate that time spent together. Time on the floor with your child lets them know that they are important to you, and that you are willing to meet them at their level. Think that feeling might pay off when they are older and have something serious to discuss? You bet it will! My daughter, Mary, is nothing if not persistent with her, “Daddy, come here!” requests. There are many times when I would like to ignore them in favor of work or relaxing on the couch, and plenty of times I do find ways to occupy her while continuing what I’m doing. However, I try to make a point of at least once a day not brushing her off, but letting her lead me into her world. Whether it’s making pretend cupcakes, putting her into princess dresses, or having a dance party, I find the time together is always rewarding. Just the other day I took Mary to the park for the first time in a while and discovered she is now able to climb the rock wall. She loved showing off all the new skills she’s developed (little monkey), and I loved seeing them.

Learning

This is one area where our public school system doesn’t do as well of a job as it could. Young children are not built to sit in a chair for hours listening to someone lecture them on whatever topic they are learning that day. Children learn by doing, by playing, by experimenting, by getting their hands dirty (and boy do they manage to get dirty). If you have ambitions for your child to excel academically, playing with them at an early age provides ample opportunity to teach in a way they can understand. Every play session doesn’t need to have a specific learning goal, but chances will constantly arise to teach colors, letters, spelling, increase vocabulary, as well as develop an understanding of concepts like sharing, morals, religious beliefs, handling frustration effectively etc. Learning does not have to be boring, and in fact, being actively engaged in a play activity makes children more receptive to your lessons! Children are little sponges that soak up far more than we adults know. We usually take notice when they start repeating phrases we say without thinking, “oh my goodness!,” for our daughter… it may be cursing in some families (whoops). An example of finding a learning opportunity is on one of our family walks, we taught Mary that the scientific name for thunderhead clouds is “cumulonimbus.” That’s right, we are turning our 2 year old into a nerd already, but it is adorable to hear her say it! The point being that childhood is intended for learning how to be a human, and so it makes sense to take advantage and teach the lessons WE want them to learn through play, rather than leave it up to TV/society/friends to teach things we may not agree with.

BUILDS PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS

This goes hand in hand with the learning aspect mentioned above, so I just want to go into it briefly. Kids often get frustrated when they aren’t able to do something easily on their own. Many parents don’t truly recognize this until school begins assigning homework and their kids begin to ask mom and dad to do it for them. This tendency can be reduced by helping our kids learn problem solving skills earlier on. We do this by helping them to figure out how to accomplish challenging tasks on their own, rather than simply doing it for them ourselves. This requires patience on the part of the parent because it is easy to end a tantrum by just doing it for our child. The short-term struggle for the parent will pay off long-term by helping your son or daughter learn the process of problem solving, as well as the importance of hard work. At this moment, we are trying to teach Mary how to put her own clothes on. It is so hard to watch her struggle to get the shirt over her head, and to find the holes for her arms. Every single time I am tempted to jump in and make it easier for her (and me!), and I have to remind myself of the lesson she is learning that her struggles pay off, because she is always able to do it eventually! The smile on her face when she finally succeeds is priceless.

REDUCES BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS

This one gets into my work with children and their parents. Most parents bring their child to see me because of significant behavior problems that no amount of time outs or corporal punishment has seemed to address. If for no other reason, giving your children ample focused play time at an early age has been shown to reduce the development of these types of behavior problems! When kids feel important and valued, they want to keep that status and avoid disappointing their parents. When kids don’t feel important, they are more likely to act out, connect with undesirable peers, and cause many headaches for their parents. Kids enjoy attention, and acting out usually gets their parents’ attention. A hard truth is that negative attention is still attention. It takes as little as 15 minutes of attentive play each day to help build the positive relationships that can avoid these outcomes. My wife and I have both noticed a difference in how Mary treats her sister depending on whether or not we’ve had the chance to play with her. She is more rough when we’ve plopped her in front of the TV too much, or asked her to play by herself for too long. We are quickly learning the signs that we better play horses or build a castle to avoid a tantrum or aggressive behavior towards her sister.

Make your life a little easier

And of course the unspoken thing here is that parents can end up struggling with anxiety or depression because of the challenges posed by their children. When thinking about this, you may be feeling overwhelmed with trying to cram another thing into your schedule, and “forced fun” may not seem like what you’d like to be doing with that spare time. Though I hope this blog shows a few of the numerous reasons that it is worthwhile to take time out of your day and to get on the floor with your kids! It’s never too late to start this process, whether your child is 3 or 10, or whether they are acting out or not. Try and schedule yourself that time (and I literally mean put this on your calendar to begin with) starting today! Maybe you’ll come to enjoy that time as well. I have plans for future posts that will go into detail on how to play with your kids, because not all of us had the best role models when going through our own childhood. Believe me, it is something you can learn to do... and your kids will LOVE you for it!If you'd like to discuss how you can improve your relationship or help address your child's behavior issues, schedule a free 30 minute consultation today!